New Eroticism and Radical Sexuality

Stuart Norman

Now that we realize that AIDS will likely be with us for some years to come, we have changed our forms of sexual expression. For many of us it has been a painful process, not only giving up our favorite fucking and sucking, but severely limiting the number of sexual encounters, too. Some of us have become monogamous or even given up sex altogether. We've experienced grief and psychic numbing. We believed that we were trapped.

It seems to me that our community is beginning to take a mature attitude toward AIDS, realizing that we must live with it and still go on living. However, we have allowed our fear to close off our hearts to our brothers as it has curbed our sexual expression. We need to purge our fears, anger and hurt over this misfortune and develop healthy, life-affirming attitudes. So now we are looking for new way to express sex safely. But so many of the safe-sex techniques promoted by the various AIDS organizations just aren't appetizing. They're a bore or too much trouble. And nothing appears completely safe except solo JO. Certainly we need new ways to eroticize these safe-sex techniques and create new ones. Perhaps there are other ways of expressing sexuality that are safe and fun, freeing our sexual urges to explore and relate.

We can explore the esoteric forms of sexual love: Tantric, Taoist and Zen forms of sexual yoga, ritual magic, JO circles, erotic massage or the exoteric form of consensual SM/BD and countless fantasy trips. We've known the orgies of the baths, cruising in bars, johns, parks and alleys and countless one-night-stands. Isn't it time to experience other ways?

For most gay men our sexuality has been a given to be freely expressed as we choose. We rejected the cultural taboos and conventions. Those couldn't apply to us. We have explored sex as has no other group in our society. Therefore we have been able to enjoy sex without love or commitment, sex as sharing pure pleasure without emotional attachment, or we have developed sex as friendly affection and communication. The number of techniques we have are astounding. But are these enough? Do we feel a lack of something, a shallowness in our ability to relate? Are we examining our attitudes toward each other as a result of AIDS?

Perhaps we should be looking again at the idea of sex as an expression of love and beyond that of being able to use sex as communication to get closer to those we care for or to use sex so spark personal growth and self-examination. How about ways to improve sexual enjoyment and performance? It can be a hard discipline that requires dedication and a willingness to change, but it can be very fulfilling. These methods and knowledge cannot be handed to you on a silver platter. As anything of great value, they are worth working for.

Our ideas about sexuality are limited. Our culture is sexually ignorant. Most of us have little idea of what we are doing when we fuck, of the potential power that lies within the sexual act or of the abuses that are possible, such as sexual vampirism - the need to suck the psychic energy from others.

In our civilization little or nothing is understood of the sexual energies. We have inherited the erotophobia and negative belief systems of our patriarchal culture that sublimates the sex drive into production, competition, conquest and war. It should be no cause for wonder that the only legitimate use for sex is for procreation in marriage - social control of sexuality to produce more "good citizens". Related cultural taboos suppress awareness of the body, pleasure and all feminine aspects in men. Not only has the subject been taboo, but the spirituality and energies of sex are not even recognized as possible in our cultural belief system. In other cultures it was recognized that during orgasm we are closer to God(dess) and our partner than at most other times. Recent psychological research confirms that intense orgasm alters one's state of consciousness. At such a point the mind and ego can retreat and we are left in a timeless, divine presence.

The ancient spiritual masters realized that the human problem was egoic alienation from God, so they sought ways to bring us back to that awareness. Tantric yoga was developed as a sexual discipline for the purpose of enlightenment because sexual energies could overcome the ego-mind. That is transcendental sex. The ego-mind is that construct that falsely believes that it is the self - in which all beliefs, personality, facades, prejudices, emotional attachments, manipulative game-playing are programmed. It is what makes our character structure and separates us from each other.

Just becoming aware of how the ego-mind operates unconsciously in each of us to cause automatic behavior is a good beginning towards self-awareness. Our attitudes, core beliefs and emotional responses were learned early in childhood, passed on to us by our parents. These make up the ego-mind. We are taught guilt, blind allegiance to beliefs and prejudices. Yet these beliefs are not always in accord with the physical and mental well-being of the organism. Thus we learn not to be spontaneous and open. Therefore we become emotional robots whose "buttons" can be pushed by anyone and we predictably respond. This is not a conscious human action, but a mindless reaction.

Of course, all of us are seeking enlightenment in our various ways. We want to transcend our everyday lives and selves for many reasons. Much of excessive sexual drive can be a misdirected desire for enlightenment, but it turns into wanton pleasure leaving us unfulfilled. Yet in so doing, we seek self-knowledge, personal liberation, an integration and balancing of the body/mind/spirit. If done consciously, the outcome of this practice is a better you who can have better relationships and better sex.

What are these practices? First, a deep self-knowledge of your ego-mind, emotional programming and core beliefs must be realized through various psychotherapies, meditation, bodywork, spiritual practices and yoga. This can be painful and it will change your life.

Meditation: is centering yourself, going to the core of your being, putting your mind on idle, letting your cares go and relaxing. It is not a thinking process, but ceasing to think and becoming aware of the here and now. Begin by sitting upright in a comfortable, relaxed position with back support. Your back should be straight, your head level, supported and centered on your neck. Close your eyes, breathe deeply and slowly from your abdomen, not up in your chest. You can focus on a mantra, a meaningless sound or visualization or even concentrate on your breath as it enters and leaves your body, whatever works best for you. Quiet your mind. If you find yourself thinking about something or daydreaming, just bring yourself back to the focus on the mantra or on your inner being. Do not remonstrate yourself for not being able to hold the thoughtless state for a long period; this is natural. Just let your thoughts rise like bubbles, watch them and let them float away. You need not follow them. Practice at first about fifteen minutes. It will become easier. You should come out of meditation relaxed and refreshed. Eventually you learn to know and understand things about yourself that come up during the process. It is an important way to get in touch with your subconscious.

Erotic Triggers and Thresholds: What turns you on? That is a trigger. The intensity level to cause triggering is the threshold. A trigger may be a fetish. Becoming aware of triggers and their thresholds is to know your sexual programming, then you can begin to modify it. To eroticize a new sexual technique or activity begin by stimulating your favorite area of your body, turn yourself on, then begin a fantasy involving the new technique. Or if you want to eroticize a new area of your body just start your favorite turn-on fantasy, then begin to stimulate that new part of your body. These techniques will have to be practiced many times. One time usually will not suffice. A good idea is to increase your list of fetishes so you can have many more turn-ons. Don't narrow or specialize your sexuality. That is denying yourself so much pleasure.

Erotic Massage: Use any sensual stroking techniques, but don't limit them to one area of the body. Use warm, scented oils, low lighting, incense, soft music. Be naked, begin at the face, end at the genitals. Make whole-body contact at some time near the end of the massage. Ask what kind of strokes your partner wants. Use as a prelude to making love. Do it in the bathtub, hot tub or sauna. The erotic doesn't always have to cause a hard cock.

Holding: Can you just hold, be with, support and accept another man without being sexual, without talking? Try it.

Designing a Lovemaking Ritual: Use your imagination to create a space, a mood, an environment and mental state for your ideal interaction with a significant other. Can you make love with yourself alone? Try it with JO. What can you plan to do? Are other materials (toys) needed?

Role-playing: Make your sexual fantasies real. Share them with a partner. It could be an Arabian nights or other exotic encounter or a get down and dirty, raunchy biker's party. You might want to explore SM/BD with someone you trust and has experience.

Tantra: is the true transcendental sex practice. It can be viewed as a ritual sex worship or meditative sex. Two yoked together, sitting upright, without moving or talking. Mental focus is on the sexual energy generated in the genitals with a conscious effort to direct it up the spinal column to energize brain/mind to an altered state of consciousness or union with God. Orgasm is not the goal and should happen involuntarily. This practice is not recommended for novices without supervision or prior training in kundalini yoga.

Relationship Checklist: Look at your sexual and relationship expectations. Make a list of them. What do you want in a partner? Are these wants realistic? Can you share them with your partners?

Ultimately, sex is about relationships. Relationships that last and grow are based on freedom, love, mutual support, individual wholeness, sexual compatibility, not need nor sex alone. Lover relationships work when two have similar likes, values, lifestyles and unconditional love, a willingness to make commitments, promises, agreements and abide by them and the ability to use negotiation to solve problems. Lover relationships based on sexual attraction alone rarely last unless friendship develops. We don't usually choose our friends by their physical appearance, as we do potential sex partners/lovers. But if a lover isn't first a friend, how can real caring develop? A friendship requires love, sharing, giving, receiving - all those things that having a lover requires. But how many of us separate our friends from our sex partners? Then, how can we expect to have whole relationships?

A lover relationship only works when first you love yourself. You must be whole. To have the lover you want you must become that lover, then you will attract him. By doing this you have put aside jealousy, possessiveness, incompletion needs, insecurity and inadequacy. The greatest mistake in most relationships is to want another to make us whole. It never works. But our other, less committed relationships do lead us in the right direction if we will learn from them. We may have to break many relationships before we learn how to make one last. Even in the face of this reality, some relationships last without personal growth only because of needs playing into each other's or because of love being more powerful than all the emotional crap.

What we are looking for in another person is the God(dess) within. That is what we want to unite with. The sex drive is for union. We need to recognize our God potential, see ourselves as gods and goddesses, powerful beings playing a forgetting game of mortality, playing hide and seek with God(dess). We need to learn that in lovemaking that we are making love with the divine. It is our way back to acknowledging our divinity, that oneness with all things.